Respectful Conversations

How to talk to your parents about their final wishes.

Discussing end-of-life wishes with aging parents can be one of the most difficult conversations to have—but it’s also one of the most important. It’s easy to put it off, thinking they aren’t at risk of dying anytime soon or that the topic is too emotional to handle. However, having this discussion now—in the comfort of home—is far easier than navigating it later in the midst of a crisis.

If you anticipate challenges, consider including a trusted third party, such as a family member, close friend, pastor, doctor, elder-care attorney or mediator. While these conversations can feel uncomfortable, the long-term consequences of not discussing final wishes far outweigh the initial discomfort.

Despite its importance, how one wants to die is the most critical conversation most Americans are not having. According to AARP’s 2024 End-of-Life Survey, while 85% of adults over 45 say they feel comfortable discussing death and dying, 70% report they generally avoid the topic.

Whether the conversation involves medical preferences, financial planning, memorial arrangements or all of the above, approaching it with sensitivity and respect makes all the difference.

A Simple Way to Begin

If you’re unsure how to start, try a simple conversation prompt. Ask them to finish this sentence: “What matters to me at the end of life is…”

Their answer might be:

• “… that I am comfortable and at home.”

• “… that no one has to disrupt their whole life to care for me.”

• “… that my kids all work together in making decisions.”

This approach encourages them to express their priorities and helps guide future discussions about care, planning and decision-making.

Tips on Approaching the Conversation Thoughtfully

Have the discussion before a health crisis arises. One of the biggest mistakes families make is waiting until a medical emergency forces difficult decisions. By starting the conversation early, in a judgment-free space, you empower your parents to make choices that reflect their values and needs—long before a crisis arises.

Take your time; there’s no need to rush. Final wishes are deeply personal decisions, and the discussion shouldn’t feel rushed. Instead of treating it as a one-time talk, view it as an ongoing dialogue that evolves over time. If your parents need extra time to process, break up the discussion into multiple conversations.

Keep the discussion open-ended. Rather than presenting a checklist, let the conversation flow naturally. Give them space to reflect and respond at their own pace. If they seem hesitant, don’t push—sometimes planting the seed is enough to start the process.

Listen without pushing your own agenda. It’s natural to have opinions about what should be done, but this conversation is about their wishes, not yours. Focus on listening rather than persuading. Being mindful of your tone and wording can help and reassures them their choices are respected. Instead of: “You really need to get your will updated,” try: “Have you had a chance to review your will lately? I can help if you need me to.”

Address the details but allow for flexibility. When the time feels right, discuss practical matters like wills, estate planning and medical directives. These decisions aren’t set in stone—circumstances and preferences can change over time. Let them know they can update their plans as needed.

Revisit the conversation over time. This isn’t a one-and-done discussion. Life events, news stories or even routine doctor’s visits can serve as natural prompts to check in:

• “I remember you mentioned wanting a small, intimate service. Do you still feel the same way?”

• “Has anything changed in how you’d like your medical care handled?”

By keeping the dialogue open, you create a space where they feel in control—making it easier for them to share their wishes.

A Final and Important Step

Once you’ve had these discussions, ensure their wishes are documented in legal form. Creating or updating a will, advance health care directive or power of attorney will help make sure their choices are honored when the time comes.

End-of-life planning doesn’t have to be a taboo topic. By approaching it with care, patience and an open heart, you can help ease the process for everyone involved.

For additional information on how Torrance Memorial provides comprehensive advance-care planning resources and assistance for patients and families coping with serious illness, visit TorranceMemorial.org/patients-visitors/advance-care-planning.