Replace New Year’s Resolutions with Intentional Behavior

Written by Moe Gelbart, PhD, Director, Behavioral Health, Torrance Memorial

With every new year comes New Year’s resolutions, which for most fade by the time February rolls around—resulting in guilt, disappointment and shame. Instead, I suggest we embrace intentionality in our day-to-day choices and behaviors. Intentionality involves taking responsibility for our actions and making choices in line with our real desires.

I am a firm believer in the expression, “You always end up in the direction you are heading.” Much frustration and unhappiness result from believing you want one thing, and your actions are the opposite. It is like heading north on the 405 and believing you want to go to San Diego. You won’t get there, so you either need to turn around or accept you really want to go to San Francisco.

Let’s change resolutions from what you should or need to do to what you want to do. When we lay out a clear path, we can then make sure our behaviors are in the service of achieving those goals and be free to change our goals/direction, or change our behavior to reflect our desires. That is intentional behavior.

Committing to intentional behavior also involves a willingness to understand ourselves better and recognize there are many factors beyond the obvious. For example, a common New Year’s resolution is to lose weight. Everyone knows that to lose weight, you need to exercise more, eat less and eat healthier. What is not so obvious are the layers of history, pain, sadness and trauma that remain unresolved and often prevent us from achieving our desires. This year, be kind to yourself and commit to being intentional in pursuit of your goals.

I am taking care of my 90-year-old mother, who has dementia. It is very stressful and difficult, and at times I feel I can’t take it anymore. I know I have no choice in the matter, but are there any suggestions for making my life a little more tolerable? – Laura S.

I understand your situation, and please know you are not alone in what you are experiencing. It sounds like you are suffering from what is known as Caregiver Stress Syndrome. It is a condition characterized by physical, mental and emotional exhaustion. It typically results from a person neglecting their own physical and emotional health because they are focused on caring for an ill, injured or disabled loved one. Symptoms include mental and physical exhaustion, fatigue, anger and irritation, frustration, depression and a sense of hopelessness.

There are some important things you can do to help. First and foremost, take care of yourself. Just like when you are on an airplane and are instructed to put your own oxygen mask on before you help others, you have to do all you can to make sure you are in best condition to help another. Get some help, and don’t go at this alone. Make sure family members know what is going on and pitch in. Hire help for routine tasks like housekeeping. Don’t judge your feelings, and have an outlet to freely open up without being judged, i.e., talking to friends you trust. Seek out support groups in the community or through your church or synagogue. Practice self-care in exercising, eating well and avoiding reliance on alcohol or other substances. If needed, seek professional help from a psychologist. If you don’t take care of yourself, you will not be in a position to take care of anyone else.

My husband passed away four years ago. He was very controlling, and now I don’t know how to be myself. I need to find my voice. – Maureen M.

First, sorry for your loss. The problem you describe is most likely complex and long-standing, so my first suggestion is to be fair and kind to yourself and give yourself time to process these issues and work through them. There is, as you well know, no quick cure or simple answer to what you are experiencing. The most important area to work on is to create a social support system of people you can trust, can talk to openly and who will not judge you or tell you what you should do. Such a social support system will also provide people you can connect with and engage in activities with.

Take an inventory of your interests, and make sure you are pursuing them. Learning new things and meeting new people will help. There are many groups focused on a particular topic/area but are designed to foster real and meaningful communication. Joining one of those groups could be helpful.

If you haven’t already done so, seeking out professional help from a psychologist or therapist could help you understand yourself better, and group therapy may be a good vehicle for “finding your voice.” Good luck in your future.