Helping a Loved One Through Grief

Written by Jill Biggins Gerbracht

When someone you love or care about is grieving, it can be difficult to know how to provide help. It is important to approach the conversation with sensitivity, empathy and respect. While you might expect someone to go through certain emotions, grief is a highly individual process and not everyone goes through the standard five stages—denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance—in the same way.

According to Moe Gelbart, PhD, director of behavioral health at Torrance Memorial, the most helpful thing to do is listen and not judge. “People grieving want a supportive ear and are not likely looking for suggestions or advice. Help not asked for is often viewed as criticism.”

He also suggests avoiding overused phrases such as “time heals all wounds” or “it will get better.” While these words can be comforting, they often come off as cliché. Instead say something like, “I think about you, I care about you, and I am sorry you are hurting right now,” or “It’s OK to feel sad or angry. Your feelings are valid.”

Some general rules apply when reaching out to a grieving friend or family member. The first step is to understand a person can experience grief anytime an important relationship ends. “People usually talk about grief in relation to death, but it could be about losing a pet, the loss of a job or a divorce,” Dr. Gelbart adds. “Whatever emotion a person feels when they suffer a loss is their grief.”

Each person’s grief is unique, so refrain from comparing their experience to your own or that of others. Allow them to process their feelings without judgment or trying to “fix” their grief.

When people cope with loss, they are likely to be hypersensitive to their own feelings and what others say to them. “Encourage them to respect their process, as each person has a unique way to cope and no one way is correct,” says Dr. Gelbart.

Because everyone experiences grief differently, it’s important to adapt your approach based on their individual needs. Being a focused, compassionate listener and offering your support can make a significant difference in their healing process.