Helping Your Child Cope with Adversity

Written by Melissa Bean Sterzick

As the pandemic continues, parents, psychologists and psychiatrists are seeing a significant increase in the number of mental health issues in adolescents. Teenagers, like so many, have experienced the loss of normalcy and security. Parents are their best source of comfort and guidance.

Moe Gelbart, PhD, licensed clinical psychologist, founder and executive director of Thelma McMillen Recovery Center and director of behavioral health at Torrance Memorial, says there are many ways parents can support their children when life presents difficulty, loneliness and grief. “They are missing their friends, activities, extended families, their sports, their schools. And it begins to get to them. They are waiting for someone to show them what to do. They need to know there is support for them.”

Encourage Self-care

Lindsey Brucker, MD, a Torrance Memorial Physician Network adolescent medicine specialist, says teens need their friends. Relying only on social media is not a solution, and it can make depression and anxiety worse.

“Teens should take some time to get outside and do an activity with a few friends while wearing masks and maintaining a safe social distance. Or try to find a fun hobby to do for a short time each day, such as arts and crafts, music or sports. Good self-care is of utmost importance right now,” Dr. Brucker says.

When school and work are both happening at home, it is difficult to relax. Schedules and routines start to blur. Parents can support their teens by modeling healthy behaviors such as eating healthy foods and exercising, relaxing and getting enough sleep.

Reduce Pressure

“Virtual learning is hard. Staring at the computer screen during the school day and being expected to pay attention and absorb the material is a major challenge. It’s leading to fears about not being able to keep up with classes,” Dr. Brucker says.

Pressure to perform has to be decreased and adapted to the situation. “Everyone needs to take their foot off the gas. We need to understand this is difficult and our expectations have to be different. Everyone has to do their best, but try not to overwhelm the kids,” Dr. Gelbart says.

Be ready to listen

Parents might not know what to do when they see their children showing signs of anxiety or depression. The important thing is to communicate—but mostly listen.

“Kids need to be able to talk to their parents about their feelings and receive respect and understanding. Don’t judge them or minimize their anxiety. Telling your child ‘it’s fine’ just makes them shut down,” Dr. Gelbart says.

Parents often find their help is not well-received. Communicating support requires trust. “Help not asked for is criticism. If someone is not asking for help, even if you are correct they hear it as criticism. If you want to give them advice, ask permission first,” Dr. Gelbart says.

Pay attention

“If parents aren’t sure what’s going on, that’s completely OK. It can be so hard to tell at times because teens can be very private with their feelings,” Dr. Brucker says. “But it is important to notice when mood effects are becoming a more serious pattern.”

At the first sign of distress, parents should be more observant of their child’s mood and behavior and offer support. “Early intervention is better than later,” Dr. Gelbart says. “Anxiety comes in many shapes and colors, but it is a very treatable condition. Children and adolescents need to know they will not always feel anxious.”

Recognize serious symptoms

Anxiety is distinguished by the ways it affects everyday activities. Minimal anxiety can be motivational, while severe anxiety causes normal activities to become dysfunctional. Things like completing schoolwork, eating, sleeping and normal routines are all deeply affected by severe anxiety. Depression is more likely to cause behavioral changes such as isolation, avoidance, sleeping too much or not at all and long bouts of crying.

Get help

Adolescents who are showing signs of serious depression or anxiety need professional attention. Parents might have reservations about therapy, but sometimes it’s easier for teens to talk through their emotions and discuss coping strategies with a therapist.

“Mental health issues are just as painful as medical issues, and you wouldn’t ignore a medical issue. It helps them to hear from a professional there is nothing wrong with them and they are having a normal response to a very tough situation,” Dr. Gelbart says.

Dr. Brucker says parents should pay attention to comments suggesting their teen is feeling hopeless or worthless. “If a parent is concerned their teen may be having suicidal thoughts or engaging in self-harm behaviors, developing an eating disorder or relying on drugs and alcohol, this should be addressed immediately by calling their doctor or mental health professional.”

Feelings of anxiety are normal for teenagers. The pandemic has exacerbated many teens’ anxiety because it has separated them from their friends and their school routine and increased their sense of isolation.

“The things they normally used to cope with stress have been removed,” Dr. Gelbart says. “You have to find substitutes to fall under your umbrella of safety. Provide them with the things that can be done and show them how to make the best of it.”

Dr. Gelbart says the pandemic is an opportunity to teach children they are resilient. “Parents can show their children there are good things still happening in spite of the pandemic, and even some good things are happening because of the pandemic. This is learning to live with adversity. This will pass. We need to learn to thrive.